I've looked back at my blog and realized that i used to actually TALK. I don't do that anymore. I hide behind funny clips of conversation. Sure, they're fun, but I need to stop hiding.

I've been feeling really insecure and inadequate lately. My best friend, Jeff, has another friend named Lucas. I know it sounds like high school shit, but I feel like I'm suddenly 2nd place.

Oddly, I get the impression that Lucas is more interested in my friendship (which hasn't been put off by Jeff's admission that he has felt left out lately when Lucas and I get together...), but Lucas is NO replacement for my friendship with Jeff... I've let it fester for months and months. I see Jeff suddenly getting tired everytime Lucas leaves. Living with him, I've noted his normal times for sleep and have structured my life around them. --but now everything is chaotic. He suddenly goes to bed 5 mins after he leaves. We don't watch movies like we used to. We don't play games like we used to.

I just want to leave and give them the room that they need, but fuck me if I feel left out. Jeff is my lifeline and my brother... Not in a co-dependant kinda way, but as in, I have no one else right now. Sure, I have friends--like Jennifer and Dawn--but that'z a diff story.

Jennifer is so busy. She tries to make time for me and tries really hard to hang out, but usually the best times for her are when i'm like,....ok...recharge time LOL I need alot of alone time since all the stuff happened. I have this problem where I think everyone hates me, or i annoy them, or something else, and when they tell me otherwise, i think they're just being nice. I feel like a HUGE burden on everyone around me.

I feel like I'm always wanting to do something that my friends don't want to do. So, I shutup. Jennifer... I'm so very very sensitive to anything she does. body language wise. I want her to be so happy, but when i'm around her, I always think I'm talking too much or not payin enuff attention. My natural habit is to not make eye contact, cuz as hard as I try, I'm fearful of people. I've seen how bad it can be.

--but Jennifer is so different! She makes me feel like I'm appreciated and loved all the time--which, to tell the truth, makes me feel weird too...

I'm not used to that stuff. Jeff does it, but being intimate with someone and someone who is just really close is a big line. Well... It'z not that big of a line, but i guess there's alot of emotion behind it all. LOL

I appreciate what she does for me, but I get the feeling that she thinks that she HAS to--or she doesn't want me to think I DON'T appreciate her. --which isn't the case, but after what happened in my past, it just makes me feel worse, cuz I'm all like.... No, no... Don't worry about it... and she's all like, "No.... I want to make sure ur happy!" and I'm all... "No really!"

It'z hard to tell if I'm just tryin to hide or just refusing to accept help. Anyone who was there at the time can understand that completely...

*Jimmy gets stabbed* "No, don't call 911... I'll be fine..."

"b-b-b-but...ur like stabbed n stuff...."

I know what Jennifer is thinkin right now. "--but I never stabbed u!" LOL

No, seriously tho... I have alot of issues. When people are around me, I feel like there's alot of pressure for me to be entertaining like I used to be.

I'm still the same party boy that I used to be, but I've grown shy, so I get frustrated with myself.

Speaking of who I used to be, I need to apologize to Dawn. I know Dawn recognizes alot of my probz without me telling her.

She offers to go into public places to buy me cigs without me asking. That means alot--it means that she sees it all. That takes alot of empathy. --and I thank her for watching me get irritated and weird when I'm in public places, but just being sympathetic.

Actually, this post has alot of individual feelings involved, so random people or people who don't know the whole story might not understand...

Dawn has been there thru alot of it. The beginning...before it happened, while it happened, and the aftermath while I just picked people out to kill the friendship. I feel so bad for that last part, but getting stalked makes u close everyone out, cuz u can't think of ANYONE who would tell them where u were. U just want to leave everything behind and forget, cuz u don't want to pick and choose ur friends and decide who did this.

Dawn actually admitted to letting him use her cell when he was in the hospital (he OD'd cuz he said he was gonna kill himself if I didn't stay, but I left saying that I wasn't gonna deal with all the control anymore... Who knows...maybe he was just getting high again... but i swear I HID that shit... Which only leaves Ebony to show him where the pills were again, but she said she'd throw him out if he tried that shit again, cuz I stopped it the first time, cuz he was taking painkillers with vodka and he wouldn't stop, so I stole the pills and hid the vial of pills.... Yea... I should've just let him do it... but Ebony told him not to do that shit, cuz she had a 3 yr old daughter and she didn't want that shit to happen around her. Well, NEwayz... I kept fighting him and fighting to make thingz kewl. NEwayz, I woke up to him tryin to suck my dick... (FUCKIN" SICK DUDE!) and I left... wait... I fuckin RAN!!! LOL so he tried to kill himself and Ebony caught it and she brought him to the hospital... Fuck... No wonder I've been so fucked up... Not only have I been dealing with the pressure of knowing that I could've stopped myself from getting in the situation that left my life on a string for 3 years, but I was ALSO responsible for someone else's life--no matter what he did to me... He didn't die by the way... DAMMIT! LOL j/k His stomach was pumped, which brings us back to the reason I brought it up....)

Dawn acutally admitted to letting him use her cell when he was in the hospital... She said he didn't call NE1, that it seemed odd, but that he found me, cuz he musta went thru her phone directory and found me... cuz we never stopped being friends. Well, we did for a long time after that, cuz dawn was the only one i talked to, but then he found me again... when i was someplace that he had NO IDEA how to find me.

I know I act weird towards u all now, but i don't mean to... It'z all about what went wrong...

We were faced against a huge enemy. One who played us for fools and didn't care who got hurt. I want to take responsibilty for it all!

It just hurts sometimes, cuz i feel pain where no pain was meant to be. U didn't cause my problems, but I get scared. I just get scared.... U all didn't do this to me, and my paranoia is not specific to any of u. It'z not like I blame anyone, or think that anyone wasn't there for me. Talking with Emily has made me realize this. It'z just that I'm paranoid in GENERAL!

You all know that there have been MANY people who have turned on me, cuz it was easier, or they felt sorry for the other side, but it'z not that I doubted u... It'z just cuz I was REALLY REALLY scared. even my friends... TRUE friend i might add... have felt me running.

It'z a natural reaction and I wouldn't blame u for just giving up, but u have all stayed and that'z what matters. U all care about me as much as I care about u.

I feel really alone and have been fuckin hatin myself lately for my distant attitude, but I don't mean it. It'z just my wall... A wall I've been tryin desperately to tear down. This fuckin wall is tearing ME down. It'z keeping me from living.

I know I've done so many things wrong--from something as simple as not making eye contact while talking, to something as major as not speaking at all and not answering the phone, ect. but I just want Dawn, Jennifer, Emily, and Jeff to know they have NEVER done anything wrong. It'z just the way I act. I may have left people out, but they're the closest to me and know the situation best.

Ok.... but yea... I'm gonna sink back to my world of insecurity and lonliness....

Later all....