Alot of things change when you face adversity at its worst. Suddenly, like tumblers in a lock, you begin to understand the reasons why the events in your life happened and how your choices, or inattentiveness, had caused the things that happened to occur. Bad luck and stupid decisions don't make the actions of other people easier to take, nor do they lay the blame on yourself for things getting to those awful points. At best, if you survive, and run away long enuff to think, you learn well enuff to defend urself, and you learn that there are alwayz the same people there waiting when you do run. And then there are the others... You learn that not only do you have a pattern of getting ur own arse into a mess, but there are certain other people, who for some reason or another, cause problems, or accentuate standing ones, or even the ones who are just never there. We all know the last kind. They want you to be there in a crisis and make it all better, but if you are the one running from a supernatural force, they're the ones tripping you to save themselves. That or they're the ones closing the door in front of you, wanting you to stay behind in turmoil (altho, the reason would be lost on me).

"People need your love the most when they appear to deserve it the least."

Now, this isn't about people being friends, or people NOT being friends, for that matter. I was just rambling. It's just that... well... there usually comes a point in someone's life, when bad things happen, that the bad things don't matter anymore. You're left with scars, but you can bear those scars. The drama fades away and you see with more clarity than ever before. You don't change, but you grow and stop hiding. You realize that nothing has ever changed you. You built a wall to hold all the bad stuff out, but really, you closed yourself inside with it--not wanting to share your pain; not wanting anyone to understand you. You just want to disappear and be forgotten inside the wall around you, because you think that no one can understand you, even if you told them. Yet, instead, you're living in your past--lost and hurt and alone--and left with a wall around you and your life that you wanted to escape.

"Numb."

When you close yourself away. It doesn't matter how horrible the things that happen to you are. No one hurts you worse than yourself--blaming yourself and wishing so hard that you caused it somehow, just so that people wouldn't be inherently evil. Not saying that they are, but choices made while you are in your shell and not looking clearly at the outside... they're based on the past... Eventually, something happens that would jar the sanity of other people, yet, you remain unbelievably calm and do the right thing. Reasonable thoughts and the right actions pull you thru. When it comes down to the do or die, you live...

"If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I
Would "

It's with that realization that the shell around you begins to peel away.

"I will do the right thing and I have to trust myself. I can't control other people's actions, but I can act appropriately when their actions harm me. I ran when my life depended on it, and I survived, more than once. Before, I blamed myself, but this time was different. The shell is gone now, and I see clearly with my own eyes now--and not the fearful eyes I used to watch the world before. I'm trusting myself and allowing myself to live--if, maybe, just a little less naive."